Mom's diary

My eyes got numb when I read my mom's diary,
it felt like she had taken out her heart and kept it inside this diary,
Its my birthday today and my grandpa gave me mom's diary as my birhday present.
The cover said My baby turned 15.
She died when I was 8 Grandpa tells me,
I was young,I remember how I wasn't able to believe  that she's never gonna open her eyes.
I don't get to meet my dad often,
he is a busy businessman,
meets me five six times in a year hardly
I miss mom!!
I read her diary and somehow I can feel pain inside,as if i really can't feel anything around but just feel something shattering deep inside.
She died because of acute depression,
she was living on anti-depressings but a stage came where she could not survive.
My dad was cheating on her,
she loved him,she loved dad unconditionally I said to myself.
I remember how she made each small lil effort for dad to give him the feel of that "EXTRA SPECIAL"
From those aroma candles in his study to the white carnations on his table,
from wearing his favourite blue to cooking his favourite mutton paya .
She just took care of evrything.
But he cheated on her....cheated on with another woman.
The lines ~
" My baby Akira,Happy birthday love
You are grown up my baby
I am not there beside you to share your teenage with you
but I will always adore you from wherever I am,
Don't hate your dad,because I know he loves you,probably he wont admit or express much but he does.
I know what all he has done to me isn't worth forgivness but at times we have to move on my child.
I could not survive because my love for him...I couldn't bear the pain of him being with someone or probably sharing the man I love with someone else.
He meant the world to me Akira,I loved him in the purest form and I don't regret that.
It was our destiny or probably the fate that all this happened but Its time to bid goodbye to all those bitter memories.
I will always love you and love him too..
       *P.s make sure you take care of your dad,
         and Do learn to cook mutton paya,he loves it.

Last night

How am I gonna live without him,
I have been asking this to myself since last night.
I deleted him from my contact list,but will he ever be deleted from my life?
From my heart I would rather say.
The most incurable and deepest form of love,how am I gonna delete it all?
but probably I don't have an option either.
I will let go,but this one decision to let go is the heaviest decision I could take.
But no options were left.I was trying to make a dead world alive.
I was living in fake illusions of mine which had no meaning.
I am letting him go,but inside I have lost a part of mine,I have died inside,I have lost my inner soul which was deeply in love with that man.
Last night everything got over,we would probably never talk or meet,but I'll miss him always.
Its hard to accept that he has been hurting me and destroying me each moment and hasn't shown any concern for this bond and has clearly left,
but yes it has to be accepted.
I loved him,I probably still do,but I am letting go,yes I am.
The last night......the heaviest one....
 *p.s I lost a part of mine inside you which went away along with your exit.I'll miss you kidrock.Take care,with you left my dreams and happiness.

It's all a mess

The messed up hair,
the messed up life,
eeerrrr...I can't even recollect how many things in life are actually messed up for now,
I kill my loneliness by reading heaps n heaps of novels,
mostly love strories,uugghh silly woman I call myself at times.
I am not supposed to do this to myslef,
this would just lead to more and more destruction of my inner peace.
But "I am trying" I tell myself often..
certainly these tries seem to be of no use,
I am probably still stuck in the scenario called past,
I have so much of baggage of my past that looking forward itself is a game of pain,
meeting people,reading novels,listening to music,talking and chatting..all this works just upto a certain extent...or probably at times it doesn't work at all,
probably we are just pretending to be busy and doing more n more of work,
but inside there's a battle,an endless battle that seems to be so piercing that I feel the pain shatter me inside each moment,
I have learnt to fake a smile but I know I am stuck in the life which HE gave me,
He who made me happy is the reason I am not able to recover from this devastating phase of mine.
At times I wonder was I so easy to be let gone?
Did i evn matter or was it just an illusion in which I spent my time,
If i did why did he go?If I din't why did he prtend?
questions to wich I have no answers,
memories to which I have mere tears to give.
let go is just a word I read often
but letting him is go is the only factor I am not able to overcome.
 *p.s Everything happens for some good,they say,honestly I have no idea how can we expect good after going through such irony,but somewhere life would have to be fair....sooner or later I belive.

#Together

Togetherness with your best friend is something you cherish throughout your life time,
Girlfriends are too hard to find after all.
Life is too competitive nowadays that being friends with the same gender seems to be a miracle these days,
probably I am quite lucky when it comes to having the girl best friend ,
the friend who understands me more than me at times,
the friend who consoles me and scolds me on the very same moment,
she can be funny,she can be serious,
she can be naughty,she can be moody,
but 'we together' is what gives a true meaning to the thing called friendship.
I still remember that late evening,when I was pale.
Low,low to an extent where I had given up,given up in every aspect of life.
Depressed was probably a small word that day to define the extent of pain I was into.
Pessimism,negative thoughts,heartbreaking scenarios and what not.
But she stood by,no matter what.
I don't wish to talk Ashima,leave me alone was the only thing I kept repeating the entire day,
We are going for a good long walk at our favourite lake and you know what babe? "you don't have a choice to say no",she said.
All right you stubborn woman was all I could utter that moment.
It gives me happiness when I look back and think of that phase where she was with me together to support me in that devastating phase of my life,
I still remember those lines by heart-
"Life is too short Palak,
you are an angel for so many people out there,
you got to believe in yourself,
you got to prove all those morons wrong.
I am here with you,for you and just you,remember that baby.
One moron guy who could not value your love,some cheap friends and their pranks,non-supportive family in few instances is not something that can make a strong ambitious woman like you give up honey.
You are a shining star,a star that is supposed to shine in the upcoming times.
You have no idea how special you are Palak.
There are so many people out there who wish to be like you,
God has made you as a beauty with brains sweetheart,
you are meant to outgrow these tiny sad scenarios of life.
You are a beautiful and an independent woman,
and you don't need a guy's presence to validate this fact.
You are strong,remember that,
much more stronger than even I know,
and you have to prove this to me.
You are a full package of talents delivered by God
have you ever realized that you moron?
I literally laughed with tears in my eyes,thinking inside how can someone understand me so well,
but yeah that's true,she does know me so well,
and she proves this in each phase of my life,whenever I need her.
I hugged her tight and I felt that truly I can't even think of giving up.
Some bonds of life are too special,too beautiful to be defined in words.
I love her and # TOGETHER we are complete.
 *p.s this post is written for https://housing.com/ 

The late night thoughts

Probably life isn't that complicated  the way we human beings have been perceiving it to be,
probably it isn't that hard to feel content with the life that you have,
I somehow feel you yourself give people the right to starve you up to an extent,
you yourself give them that remote control of your life where somehow you never realize but you are taken for granted,
I somehow realized with the passage of time that there's nothing called he/she started taking me for granted,
Its you who made someone so important that they felt they have the right to control you or probably take you for granted.
You need happiness right? every ordinary human beings does need happiness I believe.
but why to let someone starve you for that happiness?
I feel if you give people the power to feed you,
you also give them the power to starve you and that is where we need to be cautious.
Probably you need to be that self dependent in life always that no one ever can starve you for the share of happiness you deserve.
   *p.s I am writing after a very long time,but late night thoughts that make me wander are something I can't resist writing :) This too is part of the late night thoughts that make feel sleepless
Any ways take care all the readers :) Happy blogging .

Strange...

Its not that I haven't known sadness before,

but I haven't known it the way I can feel it now.

I have felt depression before,

but I haven't felt something shattering inside me this way before.

I have let gone people earlier,

but I haven't felt such burden on my heart before.

I have faked a smile before,

but faking smile never felt so much pain before.

Life was never easy,

but it truly never felt like such an agony before.

P.S I Miss You

                                               We were meant to go on different paths,

                                                Apart ...alone....not together probably,

                                                Destiny's game may be,

                                                but still I won't forget those winters 

                                                where you kept me warm ...

                                                your touch..your warmth ...and most of all your love...

                                                P.S I miss you

Its my 100th  post on my blog :-) It feels so good
Thanks to everyone who read my work and made my blog worth :-)