Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Mom's diary

My eyes got numb when I read my mom's diary,
it felt like she had taken out her heart and kept it inside this diary,
Its my birthday today and my grandpa gave me mom's diary as my birhday present.
The cover said My baby turned 15.
She died when I was 8 Grandpa tells me,
I was young,I remember how I wasn't able to believe  that she's never gonna open her eyes.
I don't get to meet my dad often,
he is a busy businessman,
meets me five six times in a year hardly
I miss mom!!
I read her diary and somehow I can feel pain inside,as if i really can't feel anything around but just feel something shattering deep inside.
She died because of acute depression,
she was living on anti-depressings but a stage came where she could not survive.
My dad was cheating on her,
she loved him,she loved dad unconditionally I said to myself.
I remember how she made each small lil effort for dad to give him the feel of that "EXTRA SPECIAL"
From those aroma candles in his study to the white carnations on his table,
from wearing his favourite blue to cooking his favourite mutton paya .
She just took care of evrything.
But he cheated on her....cheated on with another woman.
The lines ~
" My baby Akira,Happy birthday love
You are grown up my baby
I am not there beside you to share your teenage with you
but I will always adore you from wherever I am,
Don't hate your dad,because I know he loves you,probably he wont admit or express much but he does.
I know what all he has done to me isn't worth forgivness but at times we have to move on my child.
I could not survive because my love for him...I couldn't bear the pain of him being with someone or probably sharing the man I love with someone else.
He meant the world to me Akira,I loved him in the purest form and I don't regret that.
It was our destiny or probably the fate that all this happened but Its time to bid goodbye to all those bitter memories.
I will always love you and love him too..
       *P.s make sure you take care of your dad,
         and Do learn to cook mutton paya,he loves it.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Last night

How am I gonna live without him,
I have been asking this to myself since last night.
I deleted him from my contact list,but will he ever be deleted from my life?
From my heart I would rather say.
The most incurable and deepest form of love,how am I gonna delete it all?
but probably I don't have an option either.
I will let go,but this one decision to let go is the heaviest decision I could take.
But no options were left.I was trying to make a dead world alive.
I was living in fake illusions of mine which had no meaning.
I am letting him go,but inside I have lost a part of mine,I have died inside,I have lost my inner soul which was deeply in love with that man.
Last night everything got over,we would probably never talk or meet,but I'll miss him always.
Its hard to accept that he has been hurting me and destroying me each moment and hasn't shown any concern for this bond and has clearly left,
but yes it has to be accepted.
I loved him,I probably still do,but I am letting go,yes I am.
The last night......the heaviest one....
 *p.s I lost a part of mine inside you which went away along with your exit.I'll miss you kidrock.Take care,with you left my dreams and happiness.