It's all a mess

The messed up hair,
the messed up life,
eeerrrr...I can't even recollect how many things in life are actually messed up for now,
I kill my loneliness by reading heaps n heaps of novels,
mostly love strories,uugghh silly woman I call myself at times.
I am not supposed to do this to myslef,
this would just lead to more and more destruction of my inner peace.
But "I am trying" I tell myself often..
certainly these tries seem to be of no use,
I am probably still stuck in the scenario called past,
I have so much of baggage of my past that looking forward itself is a game of pain,
meeting people,reading novels,listening to music,talking and chatting..all this works just upto a certain extent...or probably at times it doesn't work at all,
probably we are just pretending to be busy and doing more n more of work,
but inside there's a battle,an endless battle that seems to be so piercing that I feel the pain shatter me inside each moment,
I have learnt to fake a smile but I know I am stuck in the life which HE gave me,
He who made me happy is the reason I am not able to recover from this devastating phase of mine.
At times I wonder was I so easy to be let gone?
Did i evn matter or was it just an illusion in which I spent my time,
If i did why did he go?If I din't why did he prtend?
questions to wich I have no answers,
memories to which I have mere tears to give.
let go is just a word I read often
but letting him is go is the only factor I am not able to overcome.
 *p.s Everything happens for some good,they say,honestly I have no idea how can we expect good after going through such irony,but somewhere life would have to be fair....sooner or later I belive.